Monday, 23 March 2015

Lotto lunika!

So yesterday I got an FB message from an in-law living in the US of A.

Her - "Sis I have such good news!"
Me - "Omg you got your green card?" (after overstaying for 15 years)
Her - "No sis, I won $100,000 in the world international lottery"
Me - "A'a."
Me - "Suga e moi ea ga mea?"
Her - "E moni lava. I thought it was a scam until I got the money delivered to my front door. And sis, I saw the list and your name was on it too!"
Me (disbelieving but already planning what to do with the money) - "Seriously?! Tell me the details!"
Her - "Ia sei uma le pisi send atu."

And that was the end of the conversation, no more respondez from my in-law.

Even after googling world international lottery, and seeing it was a scam, I thought MAYBE it's true, because she was speaking to me in Samoan, and sounded like my sister in law. And why would the bitch lie to me? (ok let me count the reasons lol)

So I went to bed dreaming of cake shops, and trips to Italy.

And woke up this morning to a post from my sister in law.

"I've been hacked! Please beware, the hacker even speaks Samoan."


Tuesday, 17 March 2015

My father's relatives

I live with my parents. My father is a chief in his village(s). He ran for the elections once or twice. As a result, people from his village (and the neighbouring 10 villages) know (of) him and where he lives, and think that because he spent money during his campaign (and sold Tino's 1/4 acre inheritance to fund it) and that he's a doctor and lives in a big (dilapidated) house, he has money.

What they don't know is that my father is now 84 years old. He hasn't worked for years. He gets a weekly stipend from his children and wife to buy his lotto, fill up his car, get his hair cut, and buy some more lotto. He has no income of his own. He asks his grandkids for money. They are all below 9 years old. So when random bottom of the food chain shits rock up the house asking for money for this faalavelave and that, don't expect me to come running with a cup of tea and a biscuit, or open my purse.

What they also don't know is my father's memory is failing. So when they say they are the children of Leilua Galo's cousin's neighbour's uncle, my father nods and smiles and says "Ioe ouke iloa lou kama" when in actual fact, he has no idea and can't even recall what he had for breakfast two hours earlier.

What they most certainly don't know is that I have a good memory if my father does not. And I remember clearly that these were the same assholes who camped at our house on the eve of the election, and then voted for the opposition and were nowhere to be seen once the votes were in. So when they come to ask for money, and my father turns to me, and I say (fuck off) "sorry leai se tupe".

Even his own close blood relatives come knocking to ask for money. These are the ones who know he's old, know he has no money, know he's nearing dementia, and still have the nerve to ask.

But once in a while, my father will get a visit from a nephew or a niece from overseas or from down the road. A visit purely for the sake of seeing their only living uncle, to see how he is doing, perhaps push a $100 tala note in his hand, bring him faiai aku and a piece of taro, and retell old memories to make him laugh. These are the relatives I will gladly bring out the kettle and make tea for. These are the relatives who restore my faith in humanity. I wish for more relatives like this. And I make a mental note to visit my older relatives and do the same.

Sunday, 8 March 2015

Live life, just because dude

I've never thought much about dying, except that if it happens it'll probably be from drowning because I can't swim. Shuddup. Now, on thinking more soberly about it, I would like to die peacefully in my sleep. With my 3 teddy bears around me. And a glass of vodka within arms reach. And a priest. And all my exes living in Texas. Ha! 

So, whilst soul searching (and bawling my eyes out) this past weekend, I came across a few life lessons I need to heed before kicking the bucket:

Tell your kids you love them. Every damn day. Sure, yell at them, beat them up, but don't let the sun go down without drying their tears and telling them they're the best thing that ever happened in your life. Seconded only by a double whopper. 

Stop talking shit. Or limit the shit you talk about. Story of my life. I wonder if they talk shit in heaven. "Eh Pika, ga e faalogo i se kala ia Sakaio ma Malia, oka se paumumuku o lea keige." "Ae sei e vaai la ile ofu a Naomi ga fai ile loku agagafi, ua magaku ifo a ua akoa." Where does it get us? Nowhere. They're still richer, more successful, have prettier babies, and happily married, and don't give a rat's ass what you're talking about. 

Work hard. Reap the rewards. Feel good about yourself afterwards. 

Feed your kids the right food. I thought I could give the girls anything and they would grow up with unblemished complexions and healthy hair and pretty white teeth. Well guess what, you actually have to work at it. Fruits and veggies actually work! And saves you a load of visits to the doctor cos your kids have shitty immune systems from all 10 boiled eggs they eat every day. 

Get your hair did more often, girrrrl. You never know when you might be walking in town and meet the man of your dreams. And his beautiful wife. And walk away knowing you look good. While you're dying a little inside. But you looked good ;) 

Take the kids out. Maccas drive through does NOT count. And don't whinge and say "ohhh if only Samoa was like NZ, I could take the kids to the park, or to mini golf, or biking up the hill, there is like nothang to do over here!". Girl there is a mini golf place across the road from your house. And a beach 30 mins away. And a seawall in town for them to ride their bikes. And for gods sake teach them how to ride their bikes. 

Be a real friend. That means calling your friends up every now and then and ask how they're doing. They could be going through some real shit and have nobody to talk to, and can't reach out because they're too proud. Or whatever. Ok stop talking about yourself. Go out for lunch with your friends. A simple text to say hi. Like their post on FB to know you're still there. And if you don't like what they did last summer, tell them, instead of talking shit about it to other people, or worse, judging them. Wait no talking shit is worse. Whatever it is, stand by your friends man. 

In a nutshell, grab life by the balls and don't take anything for granted. You never know when it could all be taken away from you. 

Ehhh ka fefe i filosofia a Velovaary. 

Monday, 2 March 2015

Everything is awesome

The kids sing this constantly. "Everything is awesome! Everything is cool when you're part of the team!" I wish I had that kinda positivity in my life.

Well - on the bright side of awesomeness -

I am still alive. And breathing.

My girls are awesome. They keep me grounded. They remind me to buy their stationery, comb their hair, feed them. They really deserve a better mum, but their standards are pretty low and they think I am like the coolest mum everrrrr.

Oreo Cheesecake Chocolate Cake. Never try any other cake after you've had this one. It's amazeballs.

I can't think of anything else that's awesome right now so we'll move right along to the dark side of shitty -

I've been diagnosed with something serious. And noooo it's not HIV. But it's life threatening. No need for details. I've had a lot of seeing my "life flashing before my eyes" moments since. Funny how all of a sudden, priorities change and you want to do either one of two things - grab life by the balls, or curl up in a corner and cry for days. I think I'm in the middle somewhere. Have an operation scheduled this month in NZ, so fingers and legs crossed I will still be around to make fun of you behind your back in the near future :)

The kids' grandmother is not speaking to me. Over something trivial like I answered back to her when she yelled at me, oh NO I DIDN'T! Yes I did. So things are pretty bleak in the Cold War at present.

Yeeeah. That's about it. I really need to start writing about something more important than myself. Next time mate next time.